"If I had an hour to solve a problem, I would spend the first 55 minutes
determining the proper question to ask."
-- ALBERT EINSTEIN
determining the proper question to ask."
-- ALBERT EINSTEIN
ASKING THE QUESTiONS TO ADVOCATE
DID YOU HAVE FUN? WHAT DID YOU LEARN? DID YOU DO YOUR BEST? |
DID YOU WIN? DID YOU SCORE? WHO SCORED? |
BEING ATTENTIVE TO THE IMPORTANT STUFF
SAFETYCONDUCT & BEHAVIOR |
"SUCCESS:FAILURE" RATIOBEING A GOOD TEAMMATE? |
PARENT CHECK YOUR SELF QUESTIONS
ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS, LEAVE OUT THE WRONG COMMENTARY
The game or team event ends. Your opinions may run rampant, but if your desire is to be an ADVOCATE, you'll bury your opinions, the bad ones (your coach was awful today), the good ones (your goal was awesome), the irrelevant ones (the referee missed the offside decision); AND you'll ASK QUESTIONS which DRIVE the ATHLETE'S EXPERIENCE.
The first reason we play a sport - FUN. Hold tight to this "why we we play" concept to help remind your young athlete of one of the important, transcendent "whys". "Did you have fun?". Reply to the answer by asking another question, "Why?". I.E. Johnny says he had fun, then next question, "Why?". Johnny says "No I did not have fun." Next question, "Why?". This will allow you to learn and connect with the athlete and center the athlete's focus.
Second question, which easily follows the first: "What did you learn today?". Be prepared for any variety of answers, and provide an opportunity for the athlete to reflect to discover something he/she learned.
Third question, the pinnacle of all questions, the question of EFFORT. We all judge it in others. Coaches, parents, athletes, judge each other's best effort. But ONLY THE ATHLETE KNOWS his/her best effort. This is the accountability question.
The questions above are relevant to all ages, 4 years old, to professional. They are universal drivers for becoming the best possible advocate as a parent or stakeholder for the athlete.
Do not be discouraged if your athlete does not answer, stare at you blankly, or struggle to answer. The main purpose is to "plant the seed" of the "self discovery process" that is magical within sport's proper environment.
The first reason we play a sport - FUN. Hold tight to this "why we we play" concept to help remind your young athlete of one of the important, transcendent "whys". "Did you have fun?". Reply to the answer by asking another question, "Why?". I.E. Johnny says he had fun, then next question, "Why?". Johnny says "No I did not have fun." Next question, "Why?". This will allow you to learn and connect with the athlete and center the athlete's focus.
Second question, which easily follows the first: "What did you learn today?". Be prepared for any variety of answers, and provide an opportunity for the athlete to reflect to discover something he/she learned.
Third question, the pinnacle of all questions, the question of EFFORT. We all judge it in others. Coaches, parents, athletes, judge each other's best effort. But ONLY THE ATHLETE KNOWS his/her best effort. This is the accountability question.
The questions above are relevant to all ages, 4 years old, to professional. They are universal drivers for becoming the best possible advocate as a parent or stakeholder for the athlete.
Do not be discouraged if your athlete does not answer, stare at you blankly, or struggle to answer. The main purpose is to "plant the seed" of the "self discovery process" that is magical within sport's proper environment.
PAID ATTENTION TO THE IMPORTANT STUFF
The game or session takes place. Were you focused on your child's playing time, your child's position, the referee, the coach? Did you arrive and ensure a safe environment, did you participate in creating a safe and/or positive environment? Were you a Force of Fortune?
Did you observe your young athlete for her/his conduct and behavior? Did you observe your child's sportsmanship, body language, verbal language, focus, attentiveness, support of teammates, respect of opponents, positive interaction with the referee and coach authorities?
Did you evaluate the game or session for the "success:failure" ratio we desire for growth which is an equal measure of challenge and failure with challenge and success. It is rare to hit that sweet spot, but we should not make it rare to evaluate and appraise that component of our young athlete's experience.
Or did we show up cheering and hoping for ONLY SUCCESS & ACHIEVEMENT. This moves us into the FIXED MINDSET end of the spectrum, where growth is limited, and failure can become fatal. Defeat is not the end, nor is victory. Failing forward is the objective of driving high ambitions, to determine our capacity to do, to become, and then to achieve.
Your mindset and perspective determines your athlete's experience. The experience of competing in an environment where not all win, and not all succeed, will inevitably bring a myriad of uncontrollable variables. Some days all the luck will gather itself up and present itself to your athlete. Some days there will be no great fortune.
In both cases, and all those in between, you are in charge, in control of, and responsible to ADVOCATE for the EXPERIENCE of your child. We are born to grow, to develop, to evolve. This purpose is real. The parent stakeholder, the ADVOCATE for the athlete, will render the capacity for this growth experience to unfold.
Did you observe your young athlete for her/his conduct and behavior? Did you observe your child's sportsmanship, body language, verbal language, focus, attentiveness, support of teammates, respect of opponents, positive interaction with the referee and coach authorities?
Did you evaluate the game or session for the "success:failure" ratio we desire for growth which is an equal measure of challenge and failure with challenge and success. It is rare to hit that sweet spot, but we should not make it rare to evaluate and appraise that component of our young athlete's experience.
Or did we show up cheering and hoping for ONLY SUCCESS & ACHIEVEMENT. This moves us into the FIXED MINDSET end of the spectrum, where growth is limited, and failure can become fatal. Defeat is not the end, nor is victory. Failing forward is the objective of driving high ambitions, to determine our capacity to do, to become, and then to achieve.
Your mindset and perspective determines your athlete's experience. The experience of competing in an environment where not all win, and not all succeed, will inevitably bring a myriad of uncontrollable variables. Some days all the luck will gather itself up and present itself to your athlete. Some days there will be no great fortune.
In both cases, and all those in between, you are in charge, in control of, and responsible to ADVOCATE for the EXPERIENCE of your child. We are born to grow, to develop, to evolve. This purpose is real. The parent stakeholder, the ADVOCATE for the athlete, will render the capacity for this growth experience to unfold.
HONORED THE TEAM, TEAMMATES, OPPONENT, GAME, REFEREE, COACH
Your child is precious, a true treasure, to be valued beyond measure or comprehension. SO IS EVERY OTHER ATHLETE and EVERY OTHER CHILD. No child is MORE SPECIAL or MORE VALUED. This juxtaposition of emotion is not always easy.
Did you arrive at the game or training session with the mindset that EACH CHILD is to be VALUED? Or just your own child?
Did you arrive with a spirit of cheering for EVERY TEAMMATE, honoring the COACH & REFEREE AUTHORITY, respecting the challenges of competition, including the opponents, and the grandiose persona of the game itself.
In essence, and in very brutal truth, when you arrived with your most precious child, with an unconditional love, were you also able to be OTHERS ORIENTED? When you are OTHERS ORIENTED you become the ADVOCATE for your child to become a MAN & WOMAN BUILT FOR OTHERS.
Did you arrive at the game or training session with the mindset that EACH CHILD is to be VALUED? Or just your own child?
Did you arrive with a spirit of cheering for EVERY TEAMMATE, honoring the COACH & REFEREE AUTHORITY, respecting the challenges of competition, including the opponents, and the grandiose persona of the game itself.
In essence, and in very brutal truth, when you arrived with your most precious child, with an unconditional love, were you also able to be OTHERS ORIENTED? When you are OTHERS ORIENTED you become the ADVOCATE for your child to become a MAN & WOMAN BUILT FOR OTHERS.
SUCCESS:FAILURE, ALLOWING YOUR ATHLETE TO FAIL & SUFFER
Your love for your child is an abounding, unconditioned love. This is a sacred kind of love.
Seeing out this love through sports will challenge parents who have associated much of their love for their child within the realm of protecting, safeguarding, providing, and caregiving.
Sports offer the opportunity for your athlete to be challenged, and not just challenged to learn a new skill, but challenged by....
Being treated unfairly
Losing
Failing
Suffering emotionally
Feeling UnderValued
Questioning Self Worth
Being Misunderstood
Lacking Certain Talents
Becoming Injured
Not Getting Selected (for a team or playing time or a position)
In the moments above there is first a discernment by the parent of safety. If the SAFETY of your child is compromised by any of the above this requires swift, obvious intervention.
However, the majority of the time when the situations above arise, there is a safe environment for your athlete to "go through it". And allowing this process to unfold, will allow your athlete to discover something produced within herself. This IS GROWTH BY FRICTION.
It is uncomfortable to observe your child suffer. Your child may be unable to sleep for a few days, lack peace and contentment, raise questions about their own worth within a team, or think they are being treated unfairly.
While sometimes parents' first response is to intervene to protect, safeguard, and provide "what is best for my child", a manner of reflection before that first response is recommended by WSA Soccer.
The questions you may ask yourself can be harsh and abrasive, but we believe are the right questions:
1. Is my child capable of managing and handling the current situation?
2. Is my child's current situation inconvenient and uncomfortable, but tolerable and bearable (or is it intolerable)?
3. Will my intervention and insulation of my child from the current challenge deter an opportunity for growth?
4. Will coming to the aid of my child actually send an ill-intended message of unbelief in my child's capacity to solve, grow, learn, and endure? Did I actually underestimate my child? Did I, THE PARENT, actually lower my own child's confidence in himself because of MY LACK OF BELIEF in my child's capacity to endure and respond?
Question number 4 above is a nose-puncher for many parents. It is commonplace for coaches, teachers, and pastors in the space of helping "teach" and "mentor" youth and young adults, to find that parents intervene early in a challenge that is an opportunity for becoming for the student-athlete. The parent's rationale is usually voiced in this manner, "I will do what is best for my child." While the intention is there, the critical thinking, contemplative thought, and prayerful consideration appears to be lacking. It is a rapid, unthoughtful response.
Your athlete is resilient. Her resiliency will likely prevail in most of the adverse situations that are presented to her in her sports journey. When your athlete does prevail, your standing down, away, and lack of intervention, may have provided the MOST PROFOUND outcome you could ever hope for: YOUR CHILD DEVELOPS A CONFIDENCE FROM THE PROCESS OF ENDURING and SOLVING and RECEIVES THE LIFELONG GIFT OF YOUR BELIEF IN HIM.
WSA's Core Value #2 is "Always Becoming". Parent's willingness to allow WSA's Core Value #2 to unfold is critical to the overall process of vertical development of the person. "Relentless effort, teachable attitude, shapeable spirit, constant evolution, innovative problem solver in the face of challenge". This is the outcome we hope to achieve by allowing and empowering FAILURE and SUFFERING. It is a response of BELIEF in the ATHLETE, the PERSON.
Seeing out this love through sports will challenge parents who have associated much of their love for their child within the realm of protecting, safeguarding, providing, and caregiving.
Sports offer the opportunity for your athlete to be challenged, and not just challenged to learn a new skill, but challenged by....
Being treated unfairly
Losing
Failing
Suffering emotionally
Feeling UnderValued
Questioning Self Worth
Being Misunderstood
Lacking Certain Talents
Becoming Injured
Not Getting Selected (for a team or playing time or a position)
In the moments above there is first a discernment by the parent of safety. If the SAFETY of your child is compromised by any of the above this requires swift, obvious intervention.
However, the majority of the time when the situations above arise, there is a safe environment for your athlete to "go through it". And allowing this process to unfold, will allow your athlete to discover something produced within herself. This IS GROWTH BY FRICTION.
It is uncomfortable to observe your child suffer. Your child may be unable to sleep for a few days, lack peace and contentment, raise questions about their own worth within a team, or think they are being treated unfairly.
While sometimes parents' first response is to intervene to protect, safeguard, and provide "what is best for my child", a manner of reflection before that first response is recommended by WSA Soccer.
The questions you may ask yourself can be harsh and abrasive, but we believe are the right questions:
1. Is my child capable of managing and handling the current situation?
2. Is my child's current situation inconvenient and uncomfortable, but tolerable and bearable (or is it intolerable)?
3. Will my intervention and insulation of my child from the current challenge deter an opportunity for growth?
4. Will coming to the aid of my child actually send an ill-intended message of unbelief in my child's capacity to solve, grow, learn, and endure? Did I actually underestimate my child? Did I, THE PARENT, actually lower my own child's confidence in himself because of MY LACK OF BELIEF in my child's capacity to endure and respond?
Question number 4 above is a nose-puncher for many parents. It is commonplace for coaches, teachers, and pastors in the space of helping "teach" and "mentor" youth and young adults, to find that parents intervene early in a challenge that is an opportunity for becoming for the student-athlete. The parent's rationale is usually voiced in this manner, "I will do what is best for my child." While the intention is there, the critical thinking, contemplative thought, and prayerful consideration appears to be lacking. It is a rapid, unthoughtful response.
Your athlete is resilient. Her resiliency will likely prevail in most of the adverse situations that are presented to her in her sports journey. When your athlete does prevail, your standing down, away, and lack of intervention, may have provided the MOST PROFOUND outcome you could ever hope for: YOUR CHILD DEVELOPS A CONFIDENCE FROM THE PROCESS OF ENDURING and SOLVING and RECEIVES THE LIFELONG GIFT OF YOUR BELIEF IN HIM.
WSA's Core Value #2 is "Always Becoming". Parent's willingness to allow WSA's Core Value #2 to unfold is critical to the overall process of vertical development of the person. "Relentless effort, teachable attitude, shapeable spirit, constant evolution, innovative problem solver in the face of challenge". This is the outcome we hope to achieve by allowing and empowering FAILURE and SUFFERING. It is a response of BELIEF in the ATHLETE, the PERSON.
ALL POWERFUL "PROUD OF YOU"
"I am proud of you"
This is one of the most powerful and poignant statements that can be issued to an athlete from any stakeholder.
Do not assume your athlete or child knows you feel this way. Letting them know, especially when a moment exists when they have earned this praise, is one of the most powerful connections you can have with your athlete.
Be certain you express you are proud of your athlete for the parts of the athlete that are most important & PERSONAL to the athlete, such as:
EFFORT, PERSEVERANCE, ENDURANCE, EMOTIONAL DISCIPLINE, PREPARATION, TEAMMATESHIP, LEADERSHIP, DECISION-MAKING, SPORTSMANSHIP, SERVANT CHARACTER
The qualities above are PERSONAL and therefore the MOST MEANINGFUL to the athlete. And all studies indicate these qualities, and several others related to these, are the strongest indicators for the greatest growth capacity, and long term achievement and success derived from team sports.
A result of a game, outcome of a contest, or a coach deciding to play an athlete longer minutes, all fixed-mindset outcomes, reliant on results, are achievements, which are significant. Each of these outcomes can also be based on good fortune for your athlete, or bad fortune from the opponent, or something the athlete cannot control like a coach or referee decision. These are a part of sports and the unfairness in participating. When these go the athlete's way it is cause for acknowledgement, and possibly even celebration. Milestones of this type of JOY are important to celebrate together. And when these things do NOT go an athlete's way, it is important to acknowledge and share in the disappointment through empathy and understanding.
It is HOWEVER, the PERSONAL qualities listed above, derived from WITHIN your ATHLETE'S CHARACTER, that most likely align with your Family Values, your own Personal Core Values, and probably align with your vision values for your child.
In those moments, when your athlete has achieved something he/she can control, something that is meaningful and personal to your athlete and not something that happened to your athlete (winning a game, scoring a goal, getting playing minutes); and you recognized these, and then acknowledge them, to your athlete, you can transform the space in powerful way with "I AM PROUD OF YOU".
This is one of the most powerful and poignant statements that can be issued to an athlete from any stakeholder.
Do not assume your athlete or child knows you feel this way. Letting them know, especially when a moment exists when they have earned this praise, is one of the most powerful connections you can have with your athlete.
Be certain you express you are proud of your athlete for the parts of the athlete that are most important & PERSONAL to the athlete, such as:
EFFORT, PERSEVERANCE, ENDURANCE, EMOTIONAL DISCIPLINE, PREPARATION, TEAMMATESHIP, LEADERSHIP, DECISION-MAKING, SPORTSMANSHIP, SERVANT CHARACTER
The qualities above are PERSONAL and therefore the MOST MEANINGFUL to the athlete. And all studies indicate these qualities, and several others related to these, are the strongest indicators for the greatest growth capacity, and long term achievement and success derived from team sports.
A result of a game, outcome of a contest, or a coach deciding to play an athlete longer minutes, all fixed-mindset outcomes, reliant on results, are achievements, which are significant. Each of these outcomes can also be based on good fortune for your athlete, or bad fortune from the opponent, or something the athlete cannot control like a coach or referee decision. These are a part of sports and the unfairness in participating. When these go the athlete's way it is cause for acknowledgement, and possibly even celebration. Milestones of this type of JOY are important to celebrate together. And when these things do NOT go an athlete's way, it is important to acknowledge and share in the disappointment through empathy and understanding.
It is HOWEVER, the PERSONAL qualities listed above, derived from WITHIN your ATHLETE'S CHARACTER, that most likely align with your Family Values, your own Personal Core Values, and probably align with your vision values for your child.
In those moments, when your athlete has achieved something he/she can control, something that is meaningful and personal to your athlete and not something that happened to your athlete (winning a game, scoring a goal, getting playing minutes); and you recognized these, and then acknowledge them, to your athlete, you can transform the space in powerful way with "I AM PROUD OF YOU".